Match report for Umina vs Barnstoneworth C

Welcome back chaps. Here we go again.

But before we get into it, may I respectfully request that you all assume the appropriate position, and sing the following lustily to the tune of your national anthem:

♫ Oh Barnstoneworth, proud Barnstoneworth
Heroes in red and white
We stride the field like mighty kings
All other teams are shite

Our forwards make defenders shake
Our midfield finds a way
Defenders tall stand like a wall
And we shall win the day!

Let every player raise their voice
Sing Barnstoneworth, HURRAY! 

And so another round of jolly rosy-cheeked capering’s begins!  With pharmacies up and down the coast reporting a sudden rush on Voltaren, knee braces and strong anti-depressants, it could only mean the start of the over 35 season.  Armed with a shiny new formation and the triumphant return of Our Glorious Leader (™), we made the sacred pilgrimage down the peninsula for our first game at Umina. Incredibly, and despite the best efforts of the Wandjina, the game actually went ahead on an actual pitch with actual grass!  This year we welcomed into the team three new players, Kent, Jon and Nick, lured no doubt by the prospect of fame and glory not usually seen in amateur pseudo-geriatric soccer.  Even more sensationally, one of these three is an ACTUAL GOALKEEPER!  Mind you, Pierre had lost so much weight in his rigorous pre-season training that turned sideways he’s now quite hard to see, let alone bounce a ball off.  He did reassure us all however with his clear understanding of the new formation only minutes before kick-off.  Good job Tim sent round that instructional video, can you imagine what a shambles it would have been if he hadn’t (?!)

So kick-off we did, about 15 minutes late, which did at least give Jase enough time to strap everything up to the standards usually required for advanced bondage films (so I’m told).  We were buoyed by tremendous enjoyment and enthusiasm that lasted approximately three minutes until Umina scored.  Great start.  Maybe 3-4-3 isn’t for us.  Maybe it’s too early to tell.  Let’s keep going. So we did, but Umina scored again.  Turns out they can play a bit, and apparently were last year’s B team, so what they were doing slumming it in the remedial C class is anyone’s guess. About halfway through the first half we did manage to press them a bit more, but our only reward was a saved shot and then a conceded penalty at the other end which they duly scored. Things weren’t looking too hot by this point, and the fact we hadn’t really had an opportunity to practice all together was becoming clear. There was a brief gap in the clouds when smart work from Ade and Kent put Tim through, and like a loose foreskin he went and pulled one back! 3-1, maybe we can play 3-4-3 after all. Maybe not because a few minutes later Umina scored again and we trooped in at half time 4-1 down.

The shiny new formation was starting to look like the fat kid that is always last to be picked, so was calmly repurposed to a more promising looking 3-5-2 for the second half. Sadly Umina scored again even more quickly than they did after the start of the first half, but after this we did settle and looked more solid, particularly Jase who again put his magnificent physique repeatedly in harm’s way at considerable personal cost. Somewhere in there Harry took a blow in the throat as well – this is starting to sound like a bar fight – but although there were no more goals in the second half at either end, we played some better soccer and were a little unlucky not to get another consolation.  Newcomer Jon did sterling work in midfield and deservedly won man of the match, followed by Ade and Kent – good work lads.

So not the dream start we had hoped for, but never mind, we’ll always have Kariong.  Of the available platitudes for this situation, let’s go with ‘something to build on’ for now, that’ll see us through to the next game up in Deliverance Country. Paddle faster, I hear banjos !

Final Score: Umina 5 – 1 Barnstoneworth C

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