Avoca vs Barnstoneworth C Match Report

Central Coast Soccer

Avoca players must wake up every morning, look at themselves in the mirror and think ‘Wow, another day as God’s gift to football and the human race generally, how amazing it is to be me.’ You may snigger at this, and you’d be right to, but how else to explain their breathtaking arrogance on the pitch ? Allow me to convince you.

It was a somewhat depleted Barnstoneworth squad that once again made the sacred pilgrimage to Bloodtree Oval for the second time in four days. It was a time of mixed emotions; we were undoubtedly buoyed by our heroic performance against Mountains in mid-week, even though we came away with nothing but pride to show for it, but this was of course tinged with apprehension at having to take the field against the most unpleasant team in the league.

Nevertheless, spurred on by Our Glorious Leader’s™ stirring pre-match oration (recordings available at the club shop), we started brightly and were nearly rewarded after only a few minutes when our forwards broke strongly from midfield; sadly though their efforts came to nothing. The tone of the match soon became clear however, as a succession of strong / late / dirty challenges against us resulted in a few free kicks in a period of only a few minutes. At this point it might be instructive to pause for a definition:

stupidity, n. doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results

Imagine if you will a 10-foot square patch of the pitch, about 10 yards over the halfway line and just to the left of the middle. Let’s call this ‘Tosser’s copse’. It was in this area that we were awarded four or five free kicks in quick succession – all, it should be noted, without appeal from our players; the referee was acting quickly and decisively, and consistently awarding free kicks against Avoca much to their increasingly hilarious annoyance. If one considers that the relatively small area of Tosser’s copse is likely to be patrolled by at most two different Avoca players, then one can see how their apparent ignorance of the above definition would contribute to their increasing ill humour. Nevertheless, they persisted in trying to kick us when under pressure. It’s true they were occasionally dangerous on the counter, especially down the left where their winger was able to demonstrate a turn of speed despite the drag effect of his floppy barnet, but at half time the balance of honour and dishonour was even.

It was much the same story in the second half, the only real change being the relocation of Tosser’s copse to the other half of the field. The tackles still went flying in and the decisions still mostly went our way, and rightly so. It was end to end stuff at times, with brave attacks and strong defending, but the deadlock persisted. This only seemed to increase the desperation of the Avoca players further, no doubt bitterly disappointed that they weren’t thrashing us 6-0 by this stage. Their protests reached truly pathetic heights in the last few minutes, when they were reduced to bleating out their supposed knowledge of the rules in an attempt to influence the referee. Fortunately however the ref was mature enough not be swayed by their nonsense, and we held fast to earn a well-deserved point. It might not have been the prettiest of games, and the points could have gone either way in the last 10 minutes were it not for smart saves by both keepers, but there is absolutely no doubt which team left the field the happiest. Special mention to Scott and Dave for helping us out, to Man of the Match Harry for a valiant performance at the back, and to Beni for the magnificent demonstration of buttock control that will stay with all of us for many years.


Final Score: Avoca 0 – 0 Barnstoneworth C

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